Hurt and betrayed

Nikki, the girl I like, admitted to me tonight that she likes me but she chose Aaron because he's the safe choice.
She asked me why I was so distant and seemed upset that she is with Aaron. This was my response: "I'm glad that you're happy. I'm not upset that you're with him. I'm not jealous either. I'm hurt. You flirted with me. You cuddled with me. We talked all the time. We told each other some pretty personal stuff. You slept next to me on the couch. There's pictures of us from the cast party. Before you said that you like Aaron everyone thought you liked me. What was I supposed to think?"


Her response: I'm very sorry Taylor. I didn't mean to lead you on. And I do like you. I just didn't think it would be fair to you that I couldn't tell my parents about you if anything happened between us. I thought you deserved better than to be someone's secret."
Then why didn't you just say that?!?!?!?!?! I told her about Jessi for a reason. I let her know that I had been hurt in the past hoping that she would try not to hurt me. I wish she would have been honest with me. Families who don't approve of homosexuality come with the territory. I have dealt with it before. I would have understood why nothing could happen between us. Being a secret is a deal breaker for me. I won't do that again. Instead of being honest with me, she decided to continue to lead me on because she didn't know how to tell me that her family doesn't approve.
By trying to protect me, she ended up hurting me. I told her about my past with dating. My heart got broken by the girl I was falling in love with and every time I get close to girlfriend potential it's ripped away from me. I'm an upfront and honest person. I try to be that way so that the girls I am interested in will feel more comfortable with being upfront and honest with me. If you're not into me I would rather find out sooner than later. If you are into me but our relationship would have to be a secret, I would rather find out sooner than later.
Frustrated and pissed off doesn't even begin to cover what I am feeling right now. Knowing a girl is into you but she chose the guy because he is the safe choice is honestly one of the most hurtful situations I have been in. Jessi telling me she didn't really love me, she only said it because I was upset at the time is the only time that I felt more hurt and betrayed than I am feeling right now.

Reassessment

Some things have happened in my life that are helping me reassess where I'm at and where I want to be.
Ever since I transferred to Simpson College I don't feel like I belong when I'm with my friends from Dmacc. They're immature, petty, and all around people that I don't really want to be friends with.
Example: Lance verbally attacked me. I thought he was my friend. No one stood up for me. I thought a few of them were my friends but apparently I was wrong. I was accused of trying to go behind a good friend's back and ruin his love life.
Well, he got the girl so I guess my opinion really didn't matter. It shouldn't!! I know that Nikki and Aaron's relationship is none of my business. I did have an opinion and I let it be known. That doesn't mean that I was trying to ruin Aaron's love life. I want him to be happy, I want him to have a girlfriend. I've offered to go out with him to meet girls. I don't understand why my "friends" think that I'm trying to steal Nikki from him. I just don't think that they are right for each other. I know Aaron very well and he's not the kind of guy that Nikki needs. I'm also not saying that I would be a good option either. Honestly, you guys should know me well enough by now to know that I'm blunt and I tell it like it is. Nikki has low self-esteem issues. Remember what happened the last time I dated a girl with low self-esteem issues? My ass got dumped. I don't even touch that anymore.
Yeah, I liked Nikki but I don't know her well enough to know if I had real feelings for her or if I liked her because we have so much in common. Yes, I'm speaking in the past tense now. I can do better. I don't deserve to be in a relationship full of insecurity. If a girl isn't confident in herself is she going to be confident anywhere else in her life? If you can't love yourself then how do you expect someone else to love you.
Last Thursday we had a Thanksgiving get together. I'm still friends with some people in the group. It's just a few people and my so-called best friend of whom I am no longer a fan. All of us were in the basement of Aaron's place and it occurred to me that I am on a completely different level. I don't fit with them anymore. Alex and I used to be inseparable. Now we sit across the room from each other and if we do speak our words are laced with sarcasm and it's almost like we loathe the presence of the other. I have lost track of all of the things that drive her nuts. It's easier to make a list of things that don't. She's a really angry and negative person. I'm generally not.
I'm at the point where I'm still meeting people at Simpson but I don't fit in with my friends from Dmacc anymore. I'm kinda in between right now. I do have a few good friends at school and I know that if I have trouble adjusting I can go to one of them or I can go to one of my teachers. The faculty at Simpson are wonderful.
I'm maturing and wanting to get away from the pettiness and the drama. I'm finding out who my real friends are. I welcome the growth and the change. Olympic hurdler Lolo Jones (A Des Moines, Iowa native) tweeted me this piece of advice "Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely." I'm choosing to grow. If that means that certain people don't fit in my life anymore then so be it. I don't need them holding me back.

This seriously happened.

No these picture are not from Failbook or Lamebook or any other site that posts funny Facebook statuses. This happened on my Facebook page.






In essence on of my "friends" took what I said way out of context and made an ass out of himself to my own amusement.

My Wish?

I like this girl, N.

N has a crush on a friend of mine who is ten years older and very much taken.

I want to tell N that I like her but I'm afraid that what we have could change. We have so much in common, our outlooks on life are very similar, we have a lot of the same interests and we just seem to get each other. We haven't known each other very long but from Day One we clicked. We are very similar in ways that I thought I was one of a kind. But at the same time we are very different people. We have a lot of common interests but we also have interests that the other doesn't have. Our conversations are never boring.

I feel like I'm stuck. I really like the friendship that we have but I want more.

She likes M. M is ten years older than us and very much taken. N realizes that it will never work with M but she still pines for her anyway.

I flirt with her just to see how she reacts but I'm a naturally flirty person so I'm not sure if she knows that I'm flirting with her. She's the same way. She seems to flirt back but I can't tell if it's flirting or just her being herself.

She sent me a text this morning that reads: "I like how quickly you and I clicked. It's almost like one of us wished for the other and the wish came true, and yes I realize how corny that sounded lol" I woke up to this text. Nothing prompted it unless she was reading past messages or thinking about the conversations that we've had. How am I supposed to react to that? "I've been wishing for the last year and a half for someone like you to come along" It's a little presumptuous if you ask me. I don't want to freak her out. She already has a guy who follows her around and acts like they are just "best friends" even though it's obvious he likes her. She likes girls so he doesn't really have a chance.

She did tell me that before we really knew who the other was, she was listening to me talking to M and watching how I interacted with everyone else around us. I know something is there. I just need her to see it too.