Saturday, July 17, 2010

Update

I've been kind of MIA recently. I haven't really done anything that's worth blogging about but here's an update anyway.

I've been working for a month and so far I love my job. I like pretty much everyone that I work with. We all give each other crap and it's so much fun! I like that I can dish out sarcasm and have it thrown right back at me. It keeps us all from going crazy. Sometimes the work gets tedious and sarcastic comments are a great way to lighten the mood. I also have to report that they have found me out at work. I tried to hide the fact that I'm gay because I wasn't sure how my co-workers would feel about it. Whenever I said anything about J in a conversation I avoided pronouns and eventually they caught on and asked me. J could be a boy's or girl's name so I just let them assume that J was a boy. I would talk about my ex J and my friend J as if they were two different people. One girl noticed that I never used pronouns when I talked about my ex J and apparently when I first started I let a 'her' slip out but ever since then I haven't used any pronouns. They figured it out on Friday. They're totally cool with it and of course they have to give me crap about it lol. I can't give you much information about what I do at work because we handle confidential information and I signed a confidentiality agreement. I can tell you that my department processes credit card applications, and claims for private dealer product rebates. I can't tell you what the products are or who our clients are.

J and I started talking again around my birthday in May. The whole silence thing lasted about 3 weeks. Needless to say, I wasn't the one who initiated the contact. She did. There was some texting going on about two weeks after we broke up but I told her that it was her idea not to talk and she needed to take responsibility for her choices. That silence lasted nine days. It was hard not talking to her at first but then I realized that having time apart was the best thing for us. I was reluctant to begin talking again but I decided to try it. So far it's been good. We did have a few spats at the beginning because honestly 3 weeks apart was not enough and I still had some choice words for her. After we got through that, things have been going pretty well. It's definitely not like it was before but I didn't expect it to be. Right now we are just texting and talking on the phone but the last phone call was about a month ago. I've found that it's easier to just let her come to me. If she wants to talk then I'll talk to her but I don't usually initiate the conversations. I hate her. I realized that a few weeks ago. There was one day that it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm over her, I hate her guts because she was mean to me in ways that were completely unneccesary, and right now I'm not interested in being friends. I wasn't sure if I would ever reach this point or feel this way but I'm glad that I do. I realized that our relationship was not good and I didn't do anything wrong to contribute to that. I can't be in a relationship with someone who wants to mother me more than she wants to be my equal, I can't be in a relationship with double standards, I can't be with someone who can't be honest with me because she's too afraid of hurting my feelings and I don't deserve to be a burden on her social life. I deserve better. I have notecards placed in my room that with that on them. They've been very helpful with getting me to believe that I do deserve better. J really is a good person and I know that she has good intentions but she doesn't always go about things in the right way. I don't hate her as a person, I hate her behavior. As a person she was always good enough for me but it seemed like she was never good enough for herself. When someone thinks that way they drag everyone else down with them whether they intend to or not.

I've learned alot more on my guitar. I'm working on Green Day's "Good Riddance" and it's coming along nicely. It's a super simple song and it's a great one for me to practice with switching chords. Once I get more strength and dexterity in my left hand I'll be rocking out to Taylor Swift and Kellie Pickler. If you want some great music to listen to after a break up Taylor and Kellie can definitely help with that.

Besides getting a job and some relationship drama my summer has been pretty low key. It has gone super fast since I've been working but I love the money. I wish that I could work more hours during school so I could afford to move out. I think I'm ready to be on my own but that's a long way off because I don't need the extra stress while I'm in school. I'm happy where I'm at. Free food and my own room are pretty great.