Rest in Peace Grandma

Paula Ann Clark

Des Moines

Paula, 62, passed away December 27, 2011 at Iowa Methodist Medical Center after a lengthly illness. Born in Ottumwa she had lived most of her life in Des Moines. Until 2009 Paula had worked for TMC Trucking in Des Moines. Preceding her in death are her parents Paul and Gloria Harris. Surviving is her husband of 46 years Bud Clark; daughters, Gloria Clark (Chuck), Shannette Williams (Tim), Carrmann Uhl (James), Toni Lopez-Santos (Antonio), Danielle Clark (Nathan), and Brenda White (Doug); 20 grandchildren, three great- grandchildren; brother Tony Harris (Kristin); two sisters Candy Avila (Daniel) and Angel Lisk (Matt). Funeral services will be held Saturday December 31, 2011 at Faith Independent Assembly of God Church located at SW 14th and Payton Ave. in Des Moines. Paulas' body will lie in state from 5 to7 p.m. Friday at Peterson funeral home in Carlisle. Burial will follow in Elm Grove Cemetery in Des Moines. Memorials may be made to the family of Paula.

My mom's mother passed away 2 days after Christmas. I have many cherished memories of my grandma.

The one that really sticks out in my mind was in the summer of 2010. Grandma and Grandpa had a membership to a campground and spent most of the summer in the camper. I came out to my parents in August of 2009, by Christmas that year only one of my aunts knew. In February of 2010 I started dating J and after that everyone else knew too. I had heard from one of my aunts that my grandma was not happy that I'm a lesbian. She believed that homosexuality is a sin. I was upset but at that time she and I weren't particularly close. That summer I was visiting Grandma, Grandpa, two of my aunts and several of my cousins at the campground. I was talking about my fairly recent break-up with J and after that conversation Grandma realized that my relationship with J was just like any other relationship. We broke up for similar reasons that any young couple would break-up over and it still hurt the same. That day she told me that I changed her view of the gay community and that she loved and accepted me because I was her grand-daughter and she loved me. When anyone asked her about me she told them that I was happy and that's all that matters. If anyone said anything about me, she defended me. On LGBT spirit day in October 2010 she wore her purple flannel.

She always wore a flannel shirt with pockets on the front. Even in her casket she was wearing a purple flannel and had her tube of chap-stick and bottle of "nitros" in her pocket. Grandma had heart problems. When I was little she had a quintuple bypass surgery. More recently she had kidney problems. She was on dialysis a few days a week. Within this past year her kidneys completely shutdown and she was on dialysis seven days a week and had the equipment for home dialysis. I'm going to miss her but I know she isn't sick anymore. The hospital visits and the suffering are over.

Hurt and betrayed

Nikki, the girl I like, admitted to me tonight that she likes me but she chose Aaron because he's the safe choice.
She asked me why I was so distant and seemed upset that she is with Aaron. This was my response: "I'm glad that you're happy. I'm not upset that you're with him. I'm not jealous either. I'm hurt. You flirted with me. You cuddled with me. We talked all the time. We told each other some pretty personal stuff. You slept next to me on the couch. There's pictures of us from the cast party. Before you said that you like Aaron everyone thought you liked me. What was I supposed to think?"


Her response: I'm very sorry Taylor. I didn't mean to lead you on. And I do like you. I just didn't think it would be fair to you that I couldn't tell my parents about you if anything happened between us. I thought you deserved better than to be someone's secret."
Then why didn't you just say that?!?!?!?!?! I told her about Jessi for a reason. I let her know that I had been hurt in the past hoping that she would try not to hurt me. I wish she would have been honest with me. Families who don't approve of homosexuality come with the territory. I have dealt with it before. I would have understood why nothing could happen between us. Being a secret is a deal breaker for me. I won't do that again. Instead of being honest with me, she decided to continue to lead me on because she didn't know how to tell me that her family doesn't approve.
By trying to protect me, she ended up hurting me. I told her about my past with dating. My heart got broken by the girl I was falling in love with and every time I get close to girlfriend potential it's ripped away from me. I'm an upfront and honest person. I try to be that way so that the girls I am interested in will feel more comfortable with being upfront and honest with me. If you're not into me I would rather find out sooner than later. If you are into me but our relationship would have to be a secret, I would rather find out sooner than later.
Frustrated and pissed off doesn't even begin to cover what I am feeling right now. Knowing a girl is into you but she chose the guy because he is the safe choice is honestly one of the most hurtful situations I have been in. Jessi telling me she didn't really love me, she only said it because I was upset at the time is the only time that I felt more hurt and betrayed than I am feeling right now.

Reassessment

Some things have happened in my life that are helping me reassess where I'm at and where I want to be.
Ever since I transferred to Simpson College I don't feel like I belong when I'm with my friends from Dmacc. They're immature, petty, and all around people that I don't really want to be friends with.
Example: Lance verbally attacked me. I thought he was my friend. No one stood up for me. I thought a few of them were my friends but apparently I was wrong. I was accused of trying to go behind a good friend's back and ruin his love life.
Well, he got the girl so I guess my opinion really didn't matter. It shouldn't!! I know that Nikki and Aaron's relationship is none of my business. I did have an opinion and I let it be known. That doesn't mean that I was trying to ruin Aaron's love life. I want him to be happy, I want him to have a girlfriend. I've offered to go out with him to meet girls. I don't understand why my "friends" think that I'm trying to steal Nikki from him. I just don't think that they are right for each other. I know Aaron very well and he's not the kind of guy that Nikki needs. I'm also not saying that I would be a good option either. Honestly, you guys should know me well enough by now to know that I'm blunt and I tell it like it is. Nikki has low self-esteem issues. Remember what happened the last time I dated a girl with low self-esteem issues? My ass got dumped. I don't even touch that anymore.
Yeah, I liked Nikki but I don't know her well enough to know if I had real feelings for her or if I liked her because we have so much in common. Yes, I'm speaking in the past tense now. I can do better. I don't deserve to be in a relationship full of insecurity. If a girl isn't confident in herself is she going to be confident anywhere else in her life? If you can't love yourself then how do you expect someone else to love you.
Last Thursday we had a Thanksgiving get together. I'm still friends with some people in the group. It's just a few people and my so-called best friend of whom I am no longer a fan. All of us were in the basement of Aaron's place and it occurred to me that I am on a completely different level. I don't fit with them anymore. Alex and I used to be inseparable. Now we sit across the room from each other and if we do speak our words are laced with sarcasm and it's almost like we loathe the presence of the other. I have lost track of all of the things that drive her nuts. It's easier to make a list of things that don't. She's a really angry and negative person. I'm generally not.
I'm at the point where I'm still meeting people at Simpson but I don't fit in with my friends from Dmacc anymore. I'm kinda in between right now. I do have a few good friends at school and I know that if I have trouble adjusting I can go to one of them or I can go to one of my teachers. The faculty at Simpson are wonderful.
I'm maturing and wanting to get away from the pettiness and the drama. I'm finding out who my real friends are. I welcome the growth and the change. Olympic hurdler Lolo Jones (A Des Moines, Iowa native) tweeted me this piece of advice "Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely." I'm choosing to grow. If that means that certain people don't fit in my life anymore then so be it. I don't need them holding me back.

This seriously happened.

No these picture are not from Failbook or Lamebook or any other site that posts funny Facebook statuses. This happened on my Facebook page.






In essence on of my "friends" took what I said way out of context and made an ass out of himself to my own amusement.

My Wish?

I like this girl, N.

N has a crush on a friend of mine who is ten years older and very much taken.

I want to tell N that I like her but I'm afraid that what we have could change. We have so much in common, our outlooks on life are very similar, we have a lot of the same interests and we just seem to get each other. We haven't known each other very long but from Day One we clicked. We are very similar in ways that I thought I was one of a kind. But at the same time we are very different people. We have a lot of common interests but we also have interests that the other doesn't have. Our conversations are never boring.

I feel like I'm stuck. I really like the friendship that we have but I want more.

She likes M. M is ten years older than us and very much taken. N realizes that it will never work with M but she still pines for her anyway.

I flirt with her just to see how she reacts but I'm a naturally flirty person so I'm not sure if she knows that I'm flirting with her. She's the same way. She seems to flirt back but I can't tell if it's flirting or just her being herself.

She sent me a text this morning that reads: "I like how quickly you and I clicked. It's almost like one of us wished for the other and the wish came true, and yes I realize how corny that sounded lol" I woke up to this text. Nothing prompted it unless she was reading past messages or thinking about the conversations that we've had. How am I supposed to react to that? "I've been wishing for the last year and a half for someone like you to come along" It's a little presumptuous if you ask me. I don't want to freak her out. She already has a guy who follows her around and acts like they are just "best friends" even though it's obvious he likes her. She likes girls so he doesn't really have a chance.

She did tell me that before we really knew who the other was, she was listening to me talking to M and watching how I interacted with everyone else around us. I know something is there. I just need her to see it too.

College Excitement

I have survived 2 weeks of classes at Simpson College and I LOVE IT!!!!
I'm making friends in my classes. I have a huge crush on one L.C. She is the most peculiar girl I have ever met and even her name sounds cool. I'm not quite sure what to think of her yet. We are partners for the History of Molecules project that we were assigned on the first day of Organic Chem. We drew molecule names out of a box and L and I happened to draw the same one. She is captivating. I think she'd make a pretty cool friend. We have a break between classes at the same time on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. On Friday she invited me to hang out with her during our break :D
So far I like all of my classes. I have a bigger work load than I thought I would but it's nothing that a little time management can't handle. I cut down my work hours. I've found that working more than 8 hours a week just doesn't work for me. I wish I could afford to live on campus. However, with home being only 20 minutes away I think I would be tempted to sleep at home in my own bed way too often. I wouldn't be able to handle roommates. Upperclassmen dorms and apartments on campus have more than two girls in each unit. The dorms have 2 quads with 4 girls each sharing one bathroom and the apartments are 2 bedrooms with 4 girls and one bathroom. I can't stand sharing a bathroom with my brother at home. I get my own room at home and I don't have to worry about anyone coming and going while I'm trying to sleep or someone snoring and keeping me awake all night. Oh, and paying for gas in my car is way cheaper than paying room & board and paying for a meal plan. I think I made a smart decision by staying home. I also learned that I can put money on my account at the dining hall so all I have to do is swipe my ID card to buy food instead of carrying cash all the time. That is awesome!! I'm there all day on Thursdays so it will be nice to be able to get lunch and stay on campus. There are plenty of places that are very near campus but I think the dining hall might be the cheaper option.
I am loving Simpson way more than DMACC. I see my Biology professor 4 times a week in class but I see her almost twice as much outside of class. I practically live in the science building so when I'm in there I usually run into her. I also like that the faculty interacts with students outside of class and office hours. At DMACC you had to make an appointment, hope they were in their office or make sure you asked questions in class. Never have I had a professor approach me while I was studying and ask me if I had any questions or needed any help. I definitely made a great choice to continue my education at Simpson.

AWESOME NEWS ABOUT MY CAR!!!

My mom talked to the guy who is fixing it for me and it should be fixed by Monday or Tuesday. He got all the parts, and he's painting it for me for $700. I am so excited to get my car back! I miss it so much. The car I'm driving is nicer than mine but I don't like the way it handles and it just isn't comfortable to drive. I want my car.

Summer Recap

I haven't posted since June and I sincerely apologize. My first day of classes at Simpson College is tomorrow so I thought now would be a good time to post a recap of what I did this summer.

June/July was filled with play rehearsals, work and parties.
Rehearsals for Bland Mary and Daisy began May 28th and we ended our run at the Civic Center on July 23rd.

DAISY is a delightful piece about a child’s first social dilemma:
choosing the perfect birthday gift for a friend. The play is not without
reflection, as the gift from this very ordinary child must bring acceptance into the social elite. Provides insight into the social hierarchy of children and the necessity of owning a “Gucci” bag at the age of twelve. Daisy was written by a 10 year-old girl.
I think the casting for this play was ridiculous. This isn't coming from jealousy but I think I should have been Daisy and Alex should have been Bob Yamaguchi. She had the Eastern Asian accent in the auditions and did it way better than any of us. I wouldn't ever say this to her face but I think she was horrible as Daisy. She wasn't interesting to watch or listen to. Her voice did not fit the part at all.

The cast of Daisy with our 17 year old director.

Me as Bob Yamaguchi. He loves his bonsai trees.
BLAND MARY is a comedy which examines how the modern world and its relentless stimulation has dulled our senses; our ability to listen, see, and even taste. Central to the play is Mary, a typical teen-ager, thoroughly immersed in a world of technology. With her companion lap-top, Ipod, and texting, she has become blind to the world around her.

I was the television thief. No one noticed that the tv was gone until scene 3. I stole it in scene 1, right under the nose of a blind man.

One day we decided to have a parade with all of us dressed up in wacky costumes. This is what our 'parade' turned into.

Chain Gang



All of August I have been working like crazy to save up money. Hanging out with my friends pretty much every weekend.

Le Boi Bar for my friend Kollan's birthday!

One of very few pictures of me at a party in Ames.

The Huff Theatre group at the Fourth Street Theatre for The Andy Hartley Show!

And a week before classes start I got caught in a traffic jam on the interstate and this is what happened to my car. I'm completely fine. The only damage was to my car. I hit a truck with a trailer hitch so that's why it looks so bad. There was construction that no one knew about. Stupid people were stopping traffic to merge into one lane. Each time we started moving again we got going a little faster. While I was checking my clock and my mirrors traffic must have stopped again because the truck in front of me was way too close. I slammed on my brakes and turned my wheels to try to drive onto the shoulder. I didn't have enough room and I ended up hitting the truck. I'm borrowing my grandpa's car to drive to work and school. I have no social life until my car is fixed or if one of my brothers lets me drive his car. Actually the no car thing has gotten me out of some stuff that I didn't really want to do but I was too nice to say no. At least something good is coming out of this situation.

Recap and Gay Pride!!

I know it's been forever since I last blogged but I got busy with the end of the school year and nothing exciting enough to blog about has really happened since then.
Recap of April and May and then onto Gay Pride!!
April:
Tricia and I decided to just be friends. We are way too much alike to date each other and she's a little too young for me.
My student play White Picket Fence was a hit!! Our audience at the evening performance loved it!!

I went to Seattle for the 93rd Annual Phi Theta Kappa International Convention.




May: I graduated with my associates degree.

A serious pic with my best friend Alex.

A silly one cuz we had a ton of time to kill before the ceremony.

Now onto Gay Pride 2011!!
Tricia and I went to Kansas City Pride last weekend. I drove 3 hours one way just to see Chely Wright. The only out lesbian country singer. If you don't know who she is then shame on you! She does so much for the lgbt community. She has an organization called LikeMe her latest album and her first book were released last year. A bar owner donated money to her booth so young people who are low on funds could have Chely's music for free. I got her latest album and her Damn Liar dance remix cd completely for free and had them both autographed. We stayed after her concert and got to meet her! She is the sweetest. She looks right into your eyes when she talks to you and really makes you feel special. She was genuinely interested in what I'm doing with my life and what I'm doing in the lgbt community. I told her that I was in an article that inspired an lgbt club on my college campus and when I'm a teacher there will be a GSA or some type of club that lgbt students can participate in.

This weekend I went to Pride in Des Moines. I had tons of fun with all my friends on Saturday night. I got a little intoxicated (I'm legal now!!) and thought it was a good idea to talk to Jessi's current girlfriend. I recognized her from her facebook picture. Jessi wasn't with her which I'm surprised that she was even there if Jessi wasn't there too cuz she never let me have a social life outside of her. Anyway, I was polite and introduced myself. I don't really remember what all I said to her but I'm pretty sure it wasn't anything rude.
I went again on Sunday to see the parade and other festivities with Tricia. I did see Jessi on Sunday for the first time in over a year. Every time I saw her she was all over the GF. That doesn't surprised me one bit. I had a ton of fun with all of my friends and I'm so glad that I don't have a GF like Jessi to monopolize all of my time. I could go wherever and do whatever with whoever I wanted and I had a blast!!
I've always been completely honest with you guys so I feel that I should tell you that I made a decision on Saturday night that probably wasn't a very smart one. It's not one that will get me into trouble but it will hurt someone if they find out. I'm not proud of it. It's over with now and I can't take it back.

Family Dinner

I had dinner with Tricia's family last night. They remind me so much of mine! Her little brother is so similar to mine when they were his age. It was so weird! I found them very refreshing because they actually sit at the kitchen table as a family and they have manners. We sit at tv trays in the living room or we eat in our bedrooms. Her mom reminds me alot of a friend's mom. She talked to me alot so I think she likes me :)
After dinner, Tricia and I went to Baskin Robbins for ice cream. Best ice cream ever!! Well, besides Coldstone it's the best ice cream ever.
Grey's Anatomy was epic!! We both thought it was hilarious that our conversation during the commercials would immediately stop when Grey's came back on and we would resume like there was never a pause at the next commercial. Tricia has promised to wait to watch next week's episode until I get back from Seattle. I know that if she watches without me she's going to let things slip and I don't want any spoilers!
She is so easy to talk to! I love that I can talk about theater, Broadway shows, Broadway actresses and all the amazing things they do with their voices and she knows exactly what I'm talking about! I don't have to explain something that I'm passionate about to her. We both have met Idina Menzel and adore her!
We both love small children too! During the summer I posted about my ladybug and all the fun stuff we do. I get to watch her on Saturday and Tricia is hanging out at the mall with us!
A huge difference between Jessi and Tricia is that things are actually moving at a comfortable pace. She hasn't tried to kiss me yet which I'm not complaining about because Jessi mauled me on the first date. I also love the playful banter between us! It's the friendly exchange of insults which is actually really adorable and kinda flirty. I couldn't do that with Jessi. She would say something to make fun of me but if I gave it back to her she would pout. Tricia throws it right back at me. She didn't even notice she was doing it until I told her I liked that about her. I noticed it because I look for it. Jessi made me aware of it and it's a trait I look for because it shows that a girl has self-confidence and she's mature enough to handle herself in the real-world.
From the way things are going I think Tricia and I might have something great.

Warning! Vomit-inducing blog post!

I have these little things floating around in my stomach. I think they're called Butterflies. I've had them before. They are always welcome in my stomach :)
I met a girl, Tricia, last Thursday. She came to see a performance of my play. She caught me in the lobby afterwards and we started talking. We hit it off right away. She was wearing a rainbow studded belt and commented that I have one at home just like it. I couldn't believe that I was talking to a girl who is totally my type and not mention she's a lesbian! That never happens to me!
She was with a friend but decided she wanted to go somewhere and talk. I suggested Village Inn because it's open late and you can order just about anything you want. The host sat us at a booth and I thought that Tricia would sit by her friend so I slid into one side. What do you know! Tricia sat down right next to me. I ordered fruit because I can never eat much of anything after a show. Tricia and her friend shared Nutella crepes. They picked at them because they weren't very good. When the bill came Tricia grabbed it before I could. She's a sneaky one! Usually I like to pay but she beat me to it. When I got home I got a text from her saying she had a really great time. I did too :) I thanked her again for paying and she told me that it was a lovely meal and it was her pleasure. She didn't like what she ordered so I'm pretty sure she wasn't talking about the food. We texted all day on Friday and over the weekend. Some of our texts are kind of nauseating. We made plans to hang out again this Thursday. We both want to watch the musical episode of Grey's Anatomy, so why not watch it together?
She lives at home with her parents but so do I so that's not a big deal. She asked her mom if I could come over on Thursday. Her mom said I was welcome to come over and have dinner with them too. Whoa! Hold up! I haven't even taken this girl out yet and I'm already meeting her parents and having dinner with them?! Talk about pressure! I won't just be meeting her parents. I'll be meeting their foreign exchange student, Alice, and Tricia's little brother. I'm kind of freaking out. All my friends said I'll be fine. Everyone loves me. However, there are some people, believe it or not, who do not like me.
I hope I'm not too nervous to eat and I really hope they like me! Tricia likes me, but I want her family to like me too! Her mom seems like a pretty cool lady. Tricia sent me a transcript of their conversation when she asked if I could come over.
Mom: "Is this girl someone with, uh, romantic potential?"
Tricia: "Yes mom"
Mom: "Thank god! You've had a huge dryspell!"
Ahahaha! Her mom is so awesome.

Idina Menzel!

I don't even know where to start with the entry!! March 2nd was an epic day on so many levels!
My mom didn't like the idea of me driving to Indianpolis but I told her I was going to do it anyway. I'm 20 years old. She bought me plane tickets. I had to pay for my hotel room but that wasn't too expensive. I flew out of Des Moines at 12 and I had just enough time to make it to my gate in Minneapolis. I landed in Indiana around 4:30 and Amanda was already waiting at my hotel. I called for the shuttle to come pick me up. Amanda could have done it but we didn't know how easy it was to pick someone up at the airport there. Sometimes its kinda screwy and you can't just sit in your car and wait for someone. I met Amanda at the hotel and we got ready to go to the concert. We ate at Pita Pit, I don't have one in Iowa. I was fascinated to say the least lol. We found the theater before we ate so we walked around for a little bit and took pictures in front of the sign. We looked like total goofballs but we were so excited!

The concert was so amazing! We were in the same building as Idina Menzel. What could be better than that?

Meeting Idina at the stage door and getting her autograph! That's what!


We waited in the cold for what seemed like forever! She finally came out and Amanda freaked out. I got my program signed and Idina went to the other side before she could sign Amanda's. She stood there saying she would cry if she didn't get an autograph. I was a little embarrassed. But I totally get her obsession so I really couldn't say anything. I would have been her if this happened 2 years ago.
We arrived back at the hotel around 11. We took pics of us together to document that we finally met after being friends for about a year.
I am well aware that we look bright eyed and absolutely stunning in this picture lol. Amanda had planned on staying but she decided that it would be better for her to drive home instead of sleeping for a few hours. She knows how her body works so I reluctantly let her go. I had the king size bed all to myself and I wish I had a picture of little tiny me in this huge bed. I bet it looked hilarious!

More blog posts will come tomorrow. I don't want to overwhelm you guys.

I really do feel like an idiot now

My car broke down today so I'm stuck at home until it's fixed. I guess I'll use this time to update my blog! Yay!

Okay so Amanda and I talked about dating awhile ago which prompted me to write the "I feel like an idiot" entry. Now, I really do feel like an idiot but for a whole different reason.
I was well aware that Amanda and I dating wasn't going to be a reality any time soon after we talked about it because we hadn't met in person. I was under the impression that there was still a possibility. Then we made plans to meet at the Idina Menzel concert a few week ago. In my mind this changed the game. We were meeting in person. A couple weeks before the concert Amanda told me that the girl she had been previously seeing asked her to be her girlfriend. I asked about Kristin and Amanda told me that they were just friends so why would she bring up the idea of us dating if she had feelings for this girl? I was shocked and hurt. I told Amanda that I was hurt because I thought that us meeting in person changed the game. She told me that she was clear with me that it wasn't going to work out distance-wise and otherwise. She does live 8 hours away from me but I have no idea what she means by otherwise. Here's where I get upset. She explained that "it wasn't going to happen any time soon". That does not mean the same thing as "it's not going to work out". She wasn't clear with me because she didn't say what she meant.
I don't understand how she didn't know that I had developed feelings for her. I told her that I was interested in dating and I was willing to work out the distance thing if she was. We talked every day, all day. I just don't understand why she would even bring it up if she knew it wasn't going to work.
You can't fake what we have. We understand each other in ways that even our very best friends don't. We just click. Other than a miscommunication, we just get each other and we always know what the other is thinking or feeling even through texts. I know her text language so well that I know what her mood is, whether she is stressed, excited, tired, etc.
Taylor Swift's "You Belong With Me" is constantly running through my head. 95% of those lyrics describe our relationship. At least they do to me.
Amanda broke up with the other girl about a week ago. I asked her why and she said she just wasn't feeling it. I knew she hadn't been feeling it since Kristin asked her out because she wasn't sure the night she told me. You're either feeling it or you aren't. She wasn't. It's been kinda hard to talk to her since the break up. She feels really bad about it and it doesn't help that Kristin is being immature. I know it's hard but she needs to get over it. When Amanda was seeing Kristin I put away the idea of us dating. It wasn't going to happen and it still probably isn't so I let it go. I am still hurt but I don't let it get in the way of our friendship. I know that hurt will go away. I made her promise me that this wouldn't hurt our friendship and so far it hasn't. Sometimes when she was talking about how Kristin wasn't supporting her interests, I just wanted to say "Maybe you should have chosen your girlfriend a little more carefully" but I held my tongue because saying that wouldn't do me any good.

Busy, Busy, Busy

I have lots of things to write but no time!

I will update you all on the "I feel like an idiot post", the Idina Menzel concert with Amanda, my play that opens in 4 days, and my wonderful platonic life partner Alex.

Next week is spring break so hopefully I can rest and get some blogging done.

Lifetime Movie?

Ok, so you know those Lifetime movies about the female teacher who sleeps with the young male student and they "have a relationship" and they "love each other" and you never think something like that would ever hit close to home?
Well, for me it has. My former high school band director was arrested earlier this week for having sex with a student. I never really liked the guy. He gave me the creeps and I never quite understood why I felt that way. I guess my instincts were right. It gives me chills when I think about my senior year and how I closed myself in a small room with this man for 15 minutes once a week for a band lesson. Here's the kicker of this whole story... his fiancee (yes, I said fiancee) is a teacher at the same school. They both started in the district in 2007 and started dating soon after the school year began. I had 2 classes with his fiancee and I loved her. She is such a sweetheart. It makes me sick that he would do something like this to someone who clearly doesn't deserve to be treated this way. I heard from current students that she is an emotional wreck. What woman wouldn't be?
I know who the student is too. She was a freshman when I was a senior. I don't really know her so I don't really have anything to say about her. After reading the reports and hearing from current high school students, the physical relationship was consensual.
Here are links to a couple articles.
Bad Bad Teacher
http://badbadteacher.com/alexander-dyer/

Our local newspaper
http://indianolarecordherald.desmoinesregister.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20110210/INDIANOLA01/110210020

I googled his name and apparently this has been published in the Chicago Tribune and the Omaha World Herald. There are other links to newspapers all over the country as well. He has ruined his life. There are far worse crimes that he could have committed that have lesser consequences and would hurt far less people. The whole high school was shocked. Many of the students can't believe it. He was a popular teacher. My heart goes out to his family, his fiancee and the student's family as well. This situation did not have to happen.

IDINA MENZEL!!!!!

I AM GOING TO THE IDINA MENZEL CONCERT IN INDIANAPOLIS IN MARCH!!!!

Amanda and I decided to just say 'Fuck it' and go to the concert anyway. It's Idina Menzel! We are both in love with her and this kind of opportunity doesn't come around very often. We are going for it. We're young and we're allowed to make decisions like this.
The only problem will be my drive home. Hopefully, I can survive the 8 hour drive home after the concert. I have 12 hours to drive it so I can make stops for food and to get out and walk around to keep myself awake. My mom isn't too happy about the idea of me driving 2 states away by myself but I'm doing it anyway. The tickets are already paid for, I can't back out now. I'll miss school Wednesday and Thursday but I already checked and I won't be missing anything important. The only thing I have to do is go to play rehearsal Thursday afternoon.

I've kinda done this before. I pulled an all-nighter in May during finals week and then went to the Taylor Swift concert and didn't go to bed until 2 o'clock in the morning. I was up for way more than 24 hours. If I get home early enough I can take a nap before rehearsal. Don't underestimate the power of a 20 year old body!

I feel like an idiot

As my title says, I feel like an idiot. The person I have been looking for in all the wrong places has been right in front of my face for months. I have known her for almost a year and she has been a great friend and confidant. She is often the first person I tell things to. Jessi introduced us to each other and I felt an instant connection with her. We were both in relationships at the time and became fast friends. She helped me when Jessi broke up with me and I helped her when her long-term girlfriend broke up with her. We were there for each other. Over the past few months our conversations have become more intimate and personal. I've told her things that only my best friends know about me. She just seems to get me. I never have to explain myself to her and talking to her is so easy.
One weekend in November we had a marathon texting session over 3 days. We texted all day about all sorts of things. I asked her for some advice because I haven't had much luck with girls since Jessi and I broke up. She told me to stop looking and just let her find me but also not to overlook someone already in my life. I wasn't sure what she meant by that but in the back of my mind I was wondering if she was talking about herself. I played around with the idea of us dating in my head but I kept it at a distance because we live 8 hours away from each other. That same weekend she brought up the idea of us possibly meeting. I thought it was a great idea. We both love roadtrips and yeah 8 hours in a car is a lot but it would be worth it. When I started talking to Whitney I told her how old Whitney is and her only response was that she thinks I should be with someone older. Again, I thought to myself that she trying to give me a hint. When she started seeing someone I put the idea away. To be honest, hearing her talk about how much fun she was having with this girl wasn't something I really enjoyed hearing about. I was happy for her but I didn't ask about the new girl like most friends would.
Then a few weeks ago she discovered her love for musical theater. I have been in love with musical theater for years. I was so excited to finally have someone who understands my love for Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth! She was disappointed that the Wicked tour had been in her area only weeks before and she missed it. I told her that she could wait until it came back around or take a trip to NYC to see it on Broadway. She invited me to go to NYC with her! We would see the show and the city because neither one of us has been to the city. She also wanted me to go to an Idina Menzel concert with her in Indianapolis in March but I can't because of school.
The other night we had a pretty awesome conversation on facebook chat. I had mentioned to a friend that she and I are perfect for each other except we live 8 hours away. My friend told me to bring it up but I wasn't sure how to go about doing it. I usually don't hold back when I have something on my mind but this was an exception. There were too many questions and I didn't want to be disappointed. I've had enough disappointment. To my relief and complete shock, she brought up the idea of us dating. I wasn't completely shocked but I was definitely caught off guard. I know I had been bouncing the idea around but I wasn't sure if it was just an idea or if there was something real between us. I hope its real but even if it's not I still have a great friend.
So I feel like an idiot. The perfect girl for me has been right in front of my face and giving me hints for months. I really hope she's it.

Back to School and some nonsense

I go back to school tomorrow!!! I'm am so excited for this semester. I have been since November. I have so many things that I get to do!
I am taking an acting class.
I am taking Spanish 2 as a review because I've been out of practice since high school.
I am taking the second semester of General Biology. Hopefully this teacher knows how to write tests so the whole class doesn't fail them.
The Phi Theta Kappa Iowa Spring regional and the 93rd Annual International convention in Seattle take place this semester.
An lgbt club is getting started on my school campus.
I am cast in two plays. I have the script for the Spring Campaign Production titled Carpathia. It's the story of the Titanic from the point of view of the passengers aboard the Carpathia that night. The director wrote it so don't try to look it up. It's a Monty Python type British comedy. I play the domestic servant with an acerbic tongue, world-weary and given to petty theft. Bridget Stuffy is harsh and severe. So basically I get to yell the whole time. I also get to be high from eating berries on a deserted island for an entire scene.
The student written and produced play is titled White Picket Fence. Its kind of like a romantic comedy. My character ends up with the guy in the end. I have to wear a skirt and I have no idea how I'm going climb over a fence in a skirt.

Now on to the nonsense.
Things were going great with Whitney up until Tuesday. She just stopped talking to me without an explanation. I finally got her to talk to me on Friday after I told her she was rude and hurtful. She said she needed some time to figure things out and she still wanted to be friends. I can't even get her to talk to me as a friend.
I facebook chatted with a friend who I met through her and she explained that Whitney does that all the time. She's cool to be friends with but she's super confusing if you want to be more than friends. She told me to move on and let Whitney come to me when she's ready. If it's meant to be then it'll happen but if not then I'm not going to get hurt because I'm not trying to get with her. I still like her but I don't know if she's the right girl for me. I don't know if I'm the right girl for her. Usually if someone is right for you then it's completely different. You don't play games or mess with their head. Hopefully, my one is out there and I'll find her when the time is right. The only thing I can do now is keep looking.

New Year 2011

My last day of 2010 ended up being a good one that led right into my first day of 2011. If the way I spent New Year's eve is any reflection on how 2011 is going to be then it's going to be a great year!
I took Whitney out on a date. I paid :) Some of her friends work at the restaurant we went to so I got to meet a few of them. They seem pretty cool but having 4 extra people at our table towards the end of dinner wasn't really what I had in mind for a first date.
Her friends were having a New Year's get together/party and Whitney wanted to at least make an appearance. We didn't stay very long. It was kind of boring and all most of them wanted to do was sit and smoke weed. I'm not really into that and Whitney knows this so we got out of there. My friend Becca invited me to the party at her boyfriend Justin's house. Becca and Justin were the only people I knew but it didn't take me long to meet everyone else. This party was way more fun. Everyone was so much more approachable and just fun to be around. Whitney looked like she was having fun.
Screw the freakin butterflies. It felt like I had birds flying around in my stomach last night. I didn't have feelings this strong so soon even with Jessi. It's kind of freaking me out. Have you ever wanted to kiss someone so bad it hurts? Like it physically hurts? She wouldn't let me kiss her because she doesn't like to kiss on the first date and I can respect that but it is not easy to deal with. When I dropped her off before heading home I missed her instantly.
We talked when I got home and we're gonna take things pretty slow. She scares easily and I don't want to push her away. We've both been hurt. I've only known leaps and bounds into a relationship because Jessi moved so fast and I didn't want to lose her. Taking things slow is gonna be new to me. Whit is gonna help me and we'll figure it out.

My Year in Review 2010

Alot has happened over the past year. 2010 was kind of a crappy year for me but I think it was for a lot of people.

January
1)Spring semester started and with it came a whole new group of people to come out to. At this point in my life I made it very obvious that I am gay by what I wore. Apparently, some people don't pay much attention (straight guys). It was so frustrating to me that people thought I was straight. :(
2) I was invited to join the Phi Theta Kappa International Honors Society of the two-year college. This was something I worked very hard to earn and when my invite came in the mail I was so excited! :)
Life: 1 Taylor: 1

February
1)My bedroom was finally completed after 10 months of not having a functioning bedroom! :)
2)My 6 month coming out anniversary! By this time I had come out to just about everyone. :)
3) I met an amazing girl, Jessi. She made me smile, laugh and enjoy life more. :)
Life: 0 Taylor: 3

March
1)I was dating Jessi and things were going great. :)
2)I came out to my extended family. Most of them found out over facebook when I started dating Jessi. :)
Life:0 Taylor: 2

April
1)Jessi and I celebrated our one month anniversary. :)
2)Jessi broke my heart. Not only that but she was unnecessarily mean to me. :(
Life: 1 Taylor: 1

May
1)I went to the Taylor Swift concert! :)
2)I tried to go on a date to help me get over Jessi. It didn't turn out so well. She didn't call me back. :(
3)I turned 20! I got a guitar. :)
4)I met another girl who was a ton of fun. However, we weren't looking for the same thing. :(
5)Jessi and I started talking as friends. At this point :)
Life: 2 Taylor: 3

June
1)I got my first job. :)
2)I spent alot of time with my ladybug :)
3)I met yet another girl. She seemed pretty cool at first but then not really. :(
4)I was trying to be friends with Jessi but I was only getting hurt. :(
Life: 2 Taylor: 2

July
1)I came out at work and I didn't recieve any negative feedback. :)
2)Still trying to be friends with Jessi :(
3)Realizing that I hate her and I have a reason :(
Life: 2 Taylor: 1

August
1)I hung out with my friends alot before they went back to school. :)
2)I spent alot more time with my ladybug :)
3)I was talking to a girl, Stefany, for a while. She wasn't honest with me so I broke things off. :(
4)Trying not to figure out why Jessi wanted to be friends :(
Life: 2 Taylor: 2

September
1)Fall semester was getting started and I was loving my classes. :)
2)I started talking to Corinne. We were both interested in dating. Two weeks later she told me she has a girlfriend. :(
Life: 1 Taylor: 1

October
1)I decided to be friends with Corinne. :)
2)I visited her in Omaha and I had a blast. :)
3)I told Jessi to get out of my life because being friends with her is not possible :)
4)I went on a date with a girl named Jessica. There was no chemistry almost instantly. I'm on of those girls that just knows if I am attracted to someone right away. :(
Life: 1 Taylor: 3

November
1)I was crushing hard on Christine in my chem class. She's straight. :(
2)I got a speeding ticket. That was a $114 lesson I will only have to learn once. :(
3)I was cast in the spring play at school! :)
4)Jessi texted me just to see if I would react. I didn't :(
Life: 3 Taylor: 1

December
1)I was interviewed for the school paper and the article was published. :)
2)A girl who goes to my school saw the article and added me on facebook. We talked all day. She waited until 11pm to tell me she had a girlfriend. :(
3)Beautiful little Janae recieved her angelic wings :(
4)I met Whitney. I took her out on a date and we had a really great time. :)
Life: 2 Taylor: 2

Totals
Life: 16 Taylor: 22

I try not to dwell on the bad but this year it kept slapping me in the face. Hopefully, 2011 will be better. I have a feeling it will be :)