Thursday, March 17, 2011

I really do feel like an idiot now

My car broke down today so I'm stuck at home until it's fixed. I guess I'll use this time to update my blog! Yay!

Okay so Amanda and I talked about dating awhile ago which prompted me to write the "I feel like an idiot" entry. Now, I really do feel like an idiot but for a whole different reason.
I was well aware that Amanda and I dating wasn't going to be a reality any time soon after we talked about it because we hadn't met in person. I was under the impression that there was still a possibility. Then we made plans to meet at the Idina Menzel concert a few week ago. In my mind this changed the game. We were meeting in person. A couple weeks before the concert Amanda told me that the girl she had been previously seeing asked her to be her girlfriend. I asked about Kristin and Amanda told me that they were just friends so why would she bring up the idea of us dating if she had feelings for this girl? I was shocked and hurt. I told Amanda that I was hurt because I thought that us meeting in person changed the game. She told me that she was clear with me that it wasn't going to work out distance-wise and otherwise. She does live 8 hours away from me but I have no idea what she means by otherwise. Here's where I get upset. She explained that "it wasn't going to happen any time soon". That does not mean the same thing as "it's not going to work out". She wasn't clear with me because she didn't say what she meant.
I don't understand how she didn't know that I had developed feelings for her. I told her that I was interested in dating and I was willing to work out the distance thing if she was. We talked every day, all day. I just don't understand why she would even bring it up if she knew it wasn't going to work.
You can't fake what we have. We understand each other in ways that even our very best friends don't. We just click. Other than a miscommunication, we just get each other and we always know what the other is thinking or feeling even through texts. I know her text language so well that I know what her mood is, whether she is stressed, excited, tired, etc.
Taylor Swift's "You Belong With Me" is constantly running through my head. 95% of those lyrics describe our relationship. At least they do to me.
Amanda broke up with the other girl about a week ago. I asked her why and she said she just wasn't feeling it. I knew she hadn't been feeling it since Kristin asked her out because she wasn't sure the night she told me. You're either feeling it or you aren't. She wasn't. It's been kinda hard to talk to her since the break up. She feels really bad about it and it doesn't help that Kristin is being immature. I know it's hard but she needs to get over it. When Amanda was seeing Kristin I put away the idea of us dating. It wasn't going to happen and it still probably isn't so I let it go. I am still hurt but I don't let it get in the way of our friendship. I know that hurt will go away. I made her promise me that this wouldn't hurt our friendship and so far it hasn't. Sometimes when she was talking about how Kristin wasn't supporting her interests, I just wanted to say "Maybe you should have chosen your girlfriend a little more carefully" but I held my tongue because saying that wouldn't do me any good.

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